Asking Eric: My husband’s one-night fling is now with his brother, and it’s awkward for us

Dear Eric I m not sure how to feel I have been married for years About years ago my husband who was not my husband then had a one-night hookup Related Articles Asking Eric My wife thinks she s the reason they keep backing out of our plans Asking Eric My husband is in the locked bathroom when I come home Should I worry Asking Eric I let my friend move in and every day is chaos Asking Eric We think the grandparents should know about their son s secret child Asking Eric My mother seems jealous of the attention to my injured son The woman is now with my husband s brother It is very uncomfortable and awkward for him and me I don t feel right being in the same room with her We have decided not to attend family functions if she will be there I guess I required your advice We are just doing what we feel is right My husband is very supportive Thoughts Avoiding an Ex Dear Avoiding I m not going to tell you that you shouldn t feel the way you feel But I would love it if you appealed a couple of questions about those feelings While I understand how the initial reunion might be awkward years is a long time and I m curious what the nature of the lingering discomfort is Maybe this is the only other person besides you who has been intimate with your husband If that s the circumstance you might take comfort in the fact that she doesn t really know your husband You ve had years of marriage they had one night They re essentially strangers I only push this because it would be a shame for you to cut off your family over this Isolation can be dangerous The past has power but sometimes we give it more power than it requirements You don t have to be friends with her or even talk to her But try not to let one night in the past rob you of days of delight and neighborhood in the present Dear Eric A great number of years ago my brother married a woman with whom he had five children before her affair led to a divorce In the years they were married she did not want him to have anything to do with his siblings and he complied as he did not want to upset her After their divorce we welcomed him back into the family with open arms At the time their kids were between and years old Because of the years apart we siblings never bonded with our nieces and nephews and not for lack of trying For the record I have inevitably maintained a cheerful and pleasant demeanor around them never a mention of their mom Fast-forward years Our brother came down with stage cancer two years ago and we all tried to visit him as much as feasible As he got progressively sicker one of the nephews moved him to their home and was a gatekeeper of their dad We had to go through the nephews in order to visit or even talk to our brother Ultimately he was on his deathbed and we were not allowed to see him or even talk to him We had to relay our messages of love through the nephews The actual death was relayed to us via text message It s been seven months since he died and I feel extremely resentful of my nieces and especially my gatekeeper nephews for keeping our beloved brother from us How do I get over this increasing resentment I don t know if I even care to try any longer to have a relationship with them especially when it is one-sided but it makes me very sad Sad Aunt Dear Aunt The resentment you feel is absolutely valid What your nephews and nieces did to you was unkind and there s no way for them to fully fix it However perhaps you ll find certain solace by putting their behavior into context They grew up separated from you and it stands to reason hearing all manner of stories about your family It s unclear why your brother s ex-wife was so determined to keep you from their children That context matters too Regardless of the reason regardless of where fault lies the nieces and nephews are making what they believe to be the best decisions based on the information they ve received and the experiences they ve had Related Articles Harriette Cole One of my bridesmaids didn t show up for the wedding Miss Manners I communicated the tiresome texter to cut it out and he got mad Dear Abby I don t think I owe my diva stepdaughter an apology Asking Eric My wife thinks she s the reason they keep backing out of our plans Harriette Cole Why would you take the side of the food police There may be unresolved trauma there may be a hurtful narrative about the family that has impacted the way they see the world There s surely grief that they re navigating All of these things matter What you ve been through matters too But as someone who has witnessed the full arc of your nieces and nephew s stories thus far please grant them particular grace Because they don t want a relationship despite your efforts and best intentions the loving thing to do for now is release them from blame for the things they couldn t control about their lives and forgive them for the things they could Do this for your own peace and so that the grief you re feeling over the death of your brother can be processed without the obstruction of anger Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com