Asking Eric: My husband is in the locked bathroom when I come home. Should I worry?

Dear Eric This is presumably an odd question A very large percentage of the time more than percent when I come home from being out lunch shopping whatever my husband is in the restroom Related Articles Asking Eric I let my friend move in and every day is chaos Asking Eric We think the grandparents should know about their son s secret child Asking Eric My mother seems jealous of the attention to my injured son Asking Eric Years later there s fallout from the drama of my missionary days Asking Eric What should my grandson know about his parents messy divorce The powder room is right next to his office and sometimes I ve tried to open the door and it s locked which seems odd since he s the only one in the house I guess it could be a coincidence but it just seems odd Is this something to worry about Too Much Rest Room Dear Room Nope If you re concerned that increased bathroom usage indicates a healthcare issue you can ask him But chances are he just likes to use the restroom while the house is empty As to the lock again you can ask But if you re already going around trying to open closed bathroom doors it makes sense that he d turn the latch for privacy Dear Eric My family moved out of state to cut ties with my husband s verbally and emotionally abusive mother My husband eventually took his own life and so now I live alone in a state six hours away One of my husband s brothers also moved out of state the other one engaged in a horrific divorce became dependent on drugs and alcohol and lives in his mother s basement His son my nephew and godson has been living in that household being subjected to abuse at the hands of his father and his grandmother I have invited my nephew to stay with me as he keeps calling and crying to me that he wants to be normal like my three kids he wants to break the cycle I ve laid down boundaries and directed him to employment openings in my area My biggest worry is what to do if he messes up Or starts imitating the dynamics of the family How various chances should he get Can you help with an exit strategy If he lies gets fired drinks or something I haven t imagined can I put him out in a state where he knows no one He is saving for a car but has totaled two plus a motorcycle in the past Thank you for any insight you can provide Protective Aunt Dear Aunt It s wise of you to think through in advance the different approaches that this could go There are inevitably unknowns when you invite a relative to live with you plus you ll be in a de facto parental role So boundaries and expectations should be crystal-clear Consequences should be crystal-clear as well If lying drinking or getting fired are deal-breakers for you you should tell him that in advance put it in writing and mutually acknowledge the consequence And that consequence can be that he has to move back home if that s what you want One of your objectives is helping your nephew mature and flourish in a safe surroundings Understanding consequences is part of that maturation As you set consequences however think systematically about which behaviors are unacceptable even once and which behaviors are opportunities for improvement You have to protect yourself your home and your peace so I understand your concern But it s also helpful to think about the context that your nephew is coming from He may benefit from both clear strong consequences and gentle leeway where appropriate Dear Eric This is in response to Loving But Frustrated Daughter whose -year-old mother lives in a secluded rural home in the Midwest very distant from the daughter s home in Southern California The mother scolds the daughter when she necessities to end what s been a long phone conversation and the daughter feels guilty trying to please and backing her mother while carving out time for herself and her family I have perpetually lived a considerable distance from my mother grandmother and then a mother-in-law and back in the day we corresponded regularly with written letters and cards A card or letter received in the mail brightens anyone s day and can be picked up and reread at the receiver s convenience and saved for as long as the receiver cares to do so Letters do not need to be long and if poor vision is a concern could be written or printed in larger-than-normal font This daughter could send a short letter or card once a week or every two weeks and could even furnish her mother with self-addressed stamped cards for the mother to jot a note on and send back Related Articles Harriette Cole The parents didn t tell me about the scary episode at the sleepover Miss Manners Was I rude to ask where they got the swell walker Dear Abby I m afraid this celebrity now thinks I m a jerk Should I try to smooth things over Asking Eric I let my friend move in and every day is chaos Harriette Cole I m feeling uneasy about what I did to help my friend My older relatives have all passed but I still cherish the cards and letters we shared for so a great number of years This might be a helpful suggestion to your letter writer Letter Writer Dear Writer Another great suggestion thank you I in recent weeks met someone who writes their grandmother a letter every single week and the tradition warmed my heart Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com